Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
