The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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