Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
