I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
