I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
