I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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