There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
