i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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