god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
