I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
