i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
