i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
