I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
