i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
