He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
