Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
