wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
