Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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