By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
