I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
