from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
