i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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