yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
