Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
