i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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