Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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