If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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