oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
