when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Duck Duck Cougar?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
