What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Please don't give away my fajitas
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
