btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Your dad touched me again.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize