My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
