I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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