this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
