I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we're making bets on your personal life
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize