Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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