He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
