Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
