I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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