K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize