I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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