I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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