i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
