i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
