he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
