It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
