She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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