i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
