toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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