Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
