I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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