Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
