why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
