The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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