i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
