whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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