so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
