I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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