Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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