If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
