After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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