he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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