You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize