It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
