every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
